AUGUST 2011

Dear Friends,

Recently,
a hurricane ripped through South Texas.
The city of Houston felt the brunt of the fierce storm accompanied by
powerful winds. Many of the city's trees
- some 140 feet tall - could not
withstand the 100 mile per hour winds.
All over the area pines, oaks, elms, magnolias, were uprooted and broken
littering the ground.

Only
one tree was able to survive hurricane force winds and that was the palm
tree. Unlike a majestic, thick oak tree,
the palm is thin, narrow and appears frail.
Yet, the palms held up when other larger, stronger trees succumbed.

The reason: palm trees are highly flexible. They have learned how to bend so as not to
break under high winds. It can actually
bend all the way over so that the top palm leaves touch the ground and still
not break. Some ways to describe their ability to survive storms are: flexible, adaptable, pliable, fluid, elastic.

Those
same characteristics can be applied to people managing the death of a loved
one. In order to withstand and survive
this stormy time in their lives they need to be flexible, adaptable, pliable,
fluid, and elastic. Those who remain
rigid and inflexible will take longer to recover and complicate their grieving
process. The sailor's creed is one which
also applies to the bereaved: "We cannot direct the winds but we can adjust our
sails."

HELPING GRIEVERS MEANS AVOIDING

THESE COMMNTS

I know how you feel. It's
really impossible to know how anyone feels.
A better comment is to ask the griever how he or she is feeling. Then listen compassionately.

This was God's will. No
one can possibly presume to know the will of God. This comment only serves to make people angry
toward God.

He's in a better place now. This
may not reflect the belief of the bereaved.
Furthermore, grievers seldom feel that being dead is better than being
alive

You're young. You can get married again.No one can simply replaced by another person.

It's time to get on with your life
now. When grievers hear this they feel pressured and rushed to be done the
feelings of grief. However, grief
recovery cannot be rushed. It takes
times for the pain of loss to diminish.

You can have other children. Again, one child cannot be replaced with another. Furthermore, this kind of comment is
experienced by a griever as minimizing his or her loss. They actually 'hear' - "What's the big deal;
you can always have other children."

Any statements that begin with "you
should" or "you ought". No one likes to be told what to do or how to feel. A kinder approach is to soften directives
this way; "Have you thought about.." or
"Would you consider…"

AN OPTIMISTS VIEW OF CHANGE

Everything
in our planet is subject to change. Rivers
change. Lakes change. Trees change.
Even the mountains change. And,
change will come to every single person.

Some
changes are welcome but many are not.
Much of our suffering results from our inability or unwillingness to
adjust our lives to the change which has come.
When change comes we suffer more deeply when we cling to the way we wish
our lives were rather, than adapt to the way it really is.

Because
change is inevitable, it is crucial for us to view change with the eye of an
optimist. Rather than fear and loathe an
unwelcome change, we can train ourselves to embrace it by viewing it in these
ways:

• Change comes to everyone.

• Change is an opportunity for personal
growth.

• Change brings new opportunities, new people,
and new perspectives.

• Change nudges us to become more flexible
and resilient.

• Change creates new patterns of thinking and
viewing life.

• Change enables us to learn important lessons.

• Change is a reminder we are not always
in control.

• Change helps us surrender or relinquish
control.

• Change empowers us to tap into our Higher
Self.

• Change gave me a choice in how I will
respond.

• Change develops and deepens my
personality.

• Change heightens inner strength and
resolve.

• Change provides me with an opportunity to
regroup and rebuild.

• Change can be good.

TALK BACK TO YOUR WORRIES

WITH THIS SIMPLE PHRASE

A young woman tells of a time
when she was consumed with worry so she sought out a therapist. There she shared worries about her job, the
economy, her boyfriend, her friends, her family, her car.

"Clearly I'm plagued by
worry," she told the therapist. "After hearing me out, the therapist gave me a
powerful phrase to use. She said
whenever you start worrying about something bad is going to happen, tell
yourself - This is not a story I have to
tell myself.' You just don't have to
continue producing these tragic narratives.
You can just tell yourself to cut it out. Amazingly, it worked," the woman says.

WHY SUICIDE LOSS IS

DIFFERENT AND MORE

DIFFICULT

Every year approximately
33,000 people end their life by suicide.
It is believed that each loss leaves behind six or seven "suicide
survivors".

Of all the types of losses to
death, suicide loss can become the most complex. Here are some reasons why suicide death is
different from other losses to death and, therefore, more difficult to deal
with.

1. It's traumatic.
Suicide death is unexpected,
sudden and sometimes violent. Often,
suicide death means dealing with police reports and press inquiries. All of this complicates the grieving process
leaving some survivors not only in shock but with lingering post-traumatic stress
disorder.

2. Isolation.
Unfortunately, there is still shame and stigma attached to suicide. In some
religious traditions, clergy are not permitted to provide full pastoral support
when the death is suicide. Within
families, there can be disagreement and tension over acknowledging or
disclosing the circumstances of the death.

3. Emotional confusion. When
there has been a homicide, anger can be directed at the perpetrator of the
crime. However, with suicide it is the
victim who is the perpetrator. At one
moment, a survivor may have anger toward the person who committed suicide. At another moment, a survivor may have
compassion for the victim. This
emotional confusion can be particularly difficult to sort out, understand and
resolve.

4. Second guessing. When
someone dies after a life threatening illness, the reason for the death is
easily understood. A death by suicide
however, is far more complex. There are painful questions about "Why" was this
done. Those are followed by "What if"
type of questions whereby the survivor begins to second guess him or
herself. Why wasn't I there? Why didn't I notice? Why couldn't I see what was
really going on? etc. All of this
can create deep self-doubts. Previous
confidence in life can be eroded significantly

For those who are dealing
with suicide loss, the best source of help can come from other suicide
survivors. While there are many general
grief groups, a specific suicide survivor's self-help group can be most effective.

it is the victim who is the
perpetrator. At one moment, a survivor
may have anger toward the person who committed suicide. At another moment, a survivor may have
compassion for the victim. This
emotional confusion can be particularly difficult to sort out, understand and
resolve.

4. Second
guessing. When someone dies after a life threatening illness,
the reason for the death is easily understood.
A death by suicide however, is far more complex. There are painful
questions about "Why" was this done. Those
are followed by "What if" type of questions whereby the survivor begins to
second guess him or herself. Why wasn't I there? Why didn't I notice? Why
couldn't I see what was really going on? etc.
All of this can create deep self-doubts. Previous confidence in life can be eroded
significantly