Newsletter February 2010
by Rev. Victor M. Parachin

February 2010 Dear Friends, A woman’s 57 year old husband was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. “We cried for two solid months, “she recalls. Quickly her husband was unable to work or drive and she became his primary caregiver while still working full time. Six years later, her husband died. This remarkable woman survived the progression of her husband’s disease, the heavy burden of his care and the grief following his death. How did she do it? Here’s the approach she took: • She adopted a strong positive attitude: “I decided that we would rise above it, and it would be our finest hour,” she said. • She signed up for an Alzheimer education program. • She joined a support group of partners of Alzheimer’s patients. • She asked for help from friends and family. • She made the best of a challenging situation: “it was a time to focus on the limited numbers of years we had left and make the best of them,” she said. This woman can serve as an inspiration and role model to those who face the challenge of loss, grief and bereavement. Like her, those who grieve must remind themselves that it is important to: • Maintain a positive attitude – “This is hard but I can and will overcome.” • Become educated about grief issues. Read books and magazine articles. Attend a grief workshop. • Join a support group of people who have lost a loved one to death. • Ask for help from family and friend • Day by day, work to make the very best, the very most out of a challenging life event. When facing grief, think about this wisdom from Michigan State University psychologist John Schneider: “The first and necessary step of grief is discovering what you have lost. The next step is discovering what is left, what is possible.” SUGGESTIONS FOR MANAGING VALENTINE’S DAY On the calendar this month is Valentine’s Day, a day when love is officially celebrated. For those whose loved one has died, it can be an awkward day painfully reminding them of their loss. Here are some suggestions for managing Valentine’s Day. • Focus on sources of love which are present in your live – brothers, sisters, in-laws, aunts, uncles, friends. Remind yourself that although you have experienced a significant loss you are not without love in your life. • Send out some Valentine’s Day cards to special people in your life. A simple I appreciate you. . .I love you. . .I’m thinking of you this day. . .or any other warm greeting you come up with will make that person’s day. • Invite a friend out for coffee, tea, lunch, dinner. Call your friend and say “On Valentine’s Day, I’d love to spend some time with you. May I take you out for tea, coffee…? • Tell someone you love them. Too often we feel the love for another person but hesitate to express it. Valentine’s Day is the ideal time to open up. • Honor your deceased loved one. Light a candle in his or her memory. Pause to say a prayer, or engage in quiet meditation, or express gratitude for times together. COMMON TRIGGERS OF GRIEF IN THE FIRST YEAR During the first year of grief, there will be many reminders of your loss and those reminders can trigger feelings. The first twelve months following the death o a loved one bring many “firsts”. Expect some of these firsts: • The first holiday. From Thanksgiving through the beginning of a new year can be tough, but manageable. • Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and any other day when your loved one would be honored. • Weddings. • Family reunions. • Children’s celebrations-birthdays, graduations, baptisms, bar/bat mitzvahs, first day of school, prom, and homecoming. • Anniversaries of special days such as the day of your engagement, birth of children, a trip you took together. Restrictions to these days can be intense initially. This is to be expected. Also to be expected is an easier time with them in the years pass. QUOTABLE Misfortune is great, but human beings are even greater than misfortune. -Rabindranath Tagore Rx FOR GRIEF Through family and friends can help you through grief ultimately, however, it’s up to you. Here are six bereavement self-care areas to focus on. 1. Nutrition. Many grievers don’t have much of an appetite while others turn to food for emotional comfort. The key is to maintain a healthy, balanced diet. This means eating whole grains, vegetables, fruit while avoiding junk foods which often come with high calories. Also be sure to drink plenty of fluids – water, tea, juices. Avoid alcohol. 2. Exercise. Regular physical activity – at least 40 minutes per day on most days of the week – delivers a wide variety of benefits. Exercise improves mood, strengthens the body, controls weight, increases energy and enhances the body’s ability to fight disease and stress. 3. Sleep and rest. Again, many grievers experience sleep disorder. Yet, a good night’s rest is important. Some ways to decrease sleep disturbance include: • avoiding caffeine • avoiding stimulating TV programs, those which get your adrenaline racing. • reading something light or inspirational • developing relaxing routines prior to bed time – a warm bath, gentle yoga, meditation. • retiring and rising at the same hour. 4. Mental care. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. Speak to yourself in the same gentle, encouraging ways you would speak to another person in your circumstances. Lower your expectations about how much you can do and how soon you can do. Be patient with yourself because grief takes longer to overcome than you expect. 5. Emotional care. Surround yourself with friends who know how to be supportive. Remove yourself from the presence of friends who just don’t understand you and your progress. 6. Spiritual care. If you are connected to a faith community, maintain that link. Attend services, participate in small groups, speak with your spiritual leader. If you haven’t been involved with a religious group you can still give yourself spiritual care through meditation, yoga, nature walks, inspirational reading and conversations with others who are on a spiritual path. AN INSIGHT FROM DR. PHIL. . . Best selling author Phillip C. McGraw, PHD., says that life rewards action. Those who live effective lives connect with Dr. McGraw’s advice “Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Learn that the world could care less about thoughts without actions.” In his book,. Life Strategies, Dr. McGraw elaborates : “Life rewards action - not intention, not insight, not wisdom, not understanding. The difference between winners and losers is that winners do things loser don’t want to do. . . People who win take purposeful, meaningful action; they don’t just think about it. They don’t plan themselves to death. . . There comes a time when you have to pull the trigger. To have what you want, you have to do what it takes.” TAKE A VOW OF KINDNESS TOWARD YOURSELF Sure grieving is hard. It’s true that bereavement is difficult. And, after someone we love dies, life becomes more challenging. Therefore, even while grieving it’s important to work at reclaiming happiness and joy. One way to do that is to take a vow of kindness toward yourself. Here are some sentences to put into your mind which can help move you closer to joy and happiness: I will stop being so self-critical and celebrate my success more. I will be a better receiver and will be more open to people’s offers of love and support. I will quit pushing myself so hard and make room for activities which are pleasant. I will cease comparing myself negatively with others and appreciate who I am. I will be kinder and more compassionate with myself when I don’t feel positive and strong. I will be patient and accepting of the child within me who sometimes feels frightened by what’s going on. I will express gratitude for what I have, for what remains, for the future which is opening up to me right now. I will believe in myself and accept that a new, good future is emerging. I will choose life anew every single day.