FEBRUARY, 2011

by Rev. Victor M. Parachin

Dear Friends,

 

A college student was visiting a friend in an extended care facility when he came across another patient – an older woman – who intrigued him with her boundless enthusiasm for life.

 

What made that so unique was the fact this woman had an illness which was gradually eroding and destroying her quality of life, though she could no longer move her arms and legs, she would tell the young man “I’m just so happy I can move my neck.”  When she could no longer move her neck, she would tell him, I’m just so glad I can hear and see.”

 

By that time the young man and the older woman had established a strong bond so he felt free to ask her what would happen if she lost her ability to see and hear.  With a smile, she said: “I’ll just be so grateful that you come to visit.”

 

This older woman exhibits an outstanding, inspiring attitude.  South African writer
Albie Sachs has observed that “death is more universal than life; everyone dies, not everyone lives.”  The elderly woman visited by the young college student knew how to live in spite of personal conditions which were far from comfortable and ideal.  She powerfully demonstrates that one way of saying “yes” to life is via continuous gratitude.

 

It is a sad statement about our culture that this womans attitude is exceptional.  Too many people have a disposition for complaint, criticism, negativity and, therefore, perpetual unhappiness.  If they have beautiful roses growing in their yards, they will complain about the thorns.

 

Even though you are suffering the pain of losing a loved one to death, work at being like the elderly woman.  Try placing your focus more on what you have left and less on what you have lost.  Ultimately, happiness and hope emerge from a grateful heart.

 

DEALING WITH GRIEF GUILT

 

As if grieving itself were not difficult enough, some people add to the burden because they feel guilty over things done or not done, things said

 

or not said.  In her book, A Grief Like No Other, Kathleen O’Hara notes:  “Guilt will be part of your grief, a part you must come to terms with.  Guilt..is a natural reaction to hold yourself accountable.  But at some point, you will need to realize that guilt is a feeling, not a reality.”

 

She outlines these common guilt thoughts which some grievers experience:

I should/shouldn’t have. . . .

If only I had. . .

Why did I. . .

Why didn’t I. . .

 

The correction, O’Hara suggests, is in changing those thoughts into these truths:

I did what I thought was best.

I didn’t know.

I can’t change what happened.

I did the best I could.

 

O’Hara also offers the following visualization exercise to help drop the burden of guilt:

 

“Picture yourself struggling in the ocean to carry this enormous burden – it is so heavy, you feel like you will sink. In this burden are the feelings of guilt over what you did or did not do.  Acknowledge that you will have these feelings, but they do not have to crush you.  Release the burden – you do not have to carry this – you can let it go.  Picture yourself releasing it, watching it sink, and swimming away.”

 

A COMPASSIONATE VIEW OF A

SUICIDE DEATH

 

“When we face suicide we confront a mystery.  No one knows just what goes on in the mind and heart of a person before suicide.  What we perceive as self-murder may be an act of loving self-sacrifice.  The starting point for any serious religious statement about suicide must be the confession of mystery.  Suicide is an act of solitude.  We can’t always form a judgment, and we should not, about why a person chooses death in this manner.

   -John H. Hewett in his book After Suicide

 

FAQs ABOUT GRIEVING

 

Here are some frequently asked questions (FAQs) about the grief process.

  

What is Grief?

Grief is the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual response to the loss of someone important.  The terms “sorrow, sadness, heartache”   accurately describe the feelings of grief.  Any kind of loss can trigger grief including:

•     death of a significant person

•     end of a relationship

•     job loss

•     disability

•     pet death

•     miscarriage

 

What are the common signs and symptoms of grief?

Many people experience shock, numbness, guilt, regret, anger, sadness, anxiety and fear.  At the same time they may also experience moments of relief, peace, even happiness.

 

What brings grief relief?

Several  things.  First, having a good friend or two with whom to share feelings and talk about the loss as much as is necessary for you.  Secondly, establishing a routine of self-care which means:  proper nutrition, proper exercise, and proper rest.  Thirdly, gaining proper information by reading books and magazine articles about the grief process.

 

How long will it take to adjust?

This differs from person to person.  Some people make a healthy adjustment in 12-16 Months.  More take longer, usually 2 – 4 years.  And, still some people find the pain of loss lingers into the fifth year.  There is no timetable for recovery.  The key is to be patient with yourself.

 

Do grief support groups help?

The majority of grievers who attend such a self-help group speak enthusiastically about their help.  There are several reasons that a group is beneficial: a) you are in the presence of people who truly know how you feel; b) you are in the presence of people who may be further along in the process and can be role models of recovery; c) you are in the presence of people who pool their experiences and insights to assist others on the journey.

 

When is professional help necessary?

 Most grievers can get by without the aid of a professional psychologist or psychiatrist.  However, some people feel “stuck” in their grieving process and are unable to move forward.  In such cases, professional intervention can be most helpful.  Here are some ways this process is beneficial:

 

Helping the bereaved to accept the loss by helping him or her talk about the loss.

 

•     The bereaved is helped to identify and express feelings related to loss such as anger, guilt, helplessness, ongoing sadness.

 

•     The bereaved is helped to live without the person who died and learn to make decisions alone.

 

•     The bereaved is helped   to separate emotionally from the deceased to and begin establishing a new identify and life.

 

•     The bereaved is given on- going support during a difficult time.

 

•     The bereaved is provided with grief information.

 

•     The bereaved is helped to understand his or her methods of coping.

 

•     The bereaved is helped to identify issues which hold him or her back and ways of overcoming those.