JANUARY, 2011
by REv. Victor M. Parachin

Dear Friends,

In his book Do Nothing & Do Everything, Qiguang Zhao tells of asking his aging father to write him a short note of wisdom. This is what the father wrote:

“To Qiguang: Before I turned 80 years old, I used to have a motto: Be strict with yourself and lenient toward others. Now that I am 80 years old, I have a new motto: Be lenient with yourself and lenient toward others. I do not know whether I can correct myself at this age. Dad.”

As a new year dawns, the father’s advice is worth considering as a resolution for 2011 – “My resolution is to be lenient with myself and lenient toward others.”

Think about it. As you deal with and manage grief this year, be lenient – kind, compassionate, gentle – with yourself whenever you don’t feel you’re making enough progress.

Apply the resolution to the people in your life who respond to you and your loss in awkward, clumsy and even insensitive ways. Be lenient – kind, compassionate, gentle – with them as well. Most likely they don’t mean to respond the way they do. They simply don’t know any better.

Qiguang Zhao comments on his dad’s wisdom saying: “We should treat ourselves with the same forgiving compassion as we give to others. Nothing in the world is without flaws, so be tender and kind to others and yourself when you or others stumble.”

QUICK TIPS ON HOW TO

COMFORT A GRIEVING PERSON

Originally, the word ‘comfort’ did not have its present soft connotations of ease, contentment and well-being. It comes from Old French confortare meaning “to strengthen greatly.”

Doing that meant providing those who are struggling with emotional and psychological shelter during a storm in their lives. The first step in doing this is simply to listen without judging, interrupting or advising.

The second step lies in responding with words that help and heal rather than with comments

which come across as trite clichés. To “strengthen greatly” those who comfort here are some common clichés followed by more helpful expressions.

Less helpful... Be strong and you’ll get through this. More helpful…I admire your perseverance.

Less helpful…This was for the best. More helpful…I am sorry this happened.

Less helpful…You are more fortunate your mother died peacefully. More helpful…I was saddened to learn of your mother’s death.

Less helpful…You have your whole life ahead of you. More helpful…Give yourself time to heal.

Less helpful…That’s life. More helpful…No one should have to go through this.

Less helpful…If I can do anything, just give me a call. More helpful…I will call you Wednesday evening just to check in.

Less helpful…This was God’s will.

More helpful…God’s heart is also broken over this.

Less helpful…You should join a support group.

More helpful…Have you considered looking into a support group.

Less helpful…I know how you feel. More helpful…Can you tell me how this feels.

Less helpful…You can have other children.

More helpful…Your child brought joy to everyone.

Less helpful…At lease he didn’t suffer. More helpful…I can only imagine how painful this must be for you.

WHEN A CHILD IS GRIEVING. . . .

….it is important to create space where the child can express and explore his or her feelings. If a child is fortunate he or she may have a good friend with whom to do this.

However, many children feel isolated from their friends after a death in the family has occurred. Not knowing what to say or how to act, their friends may simply avoid them. This leaves a grieving child feeling different from their peers. Here are some ways young people have successfully dealt with their loss:

Confiding in a trusted adult. This could be a parent, grandparent, relative, and teacher.
Using art form. If you child has a talent for writing, art, music then encourage him or her to write poetry, draw or paint, play or write music.
Peer support group. Many communities have peer support groups for children of various ages. Check with your funeral director, spiritual leader or school nurse to locate one.
School counselor. Check to see if your child’s school has a counselor on staff. This person can become an invaluable resource.
Other families who have had a family death. It can help to identify another family in the community, talk with them to gain insights. Most people who have suffered a loss are more than willing to reach out and help others who are grieving.

“THREE WAYS YOU CAN HELP ME

WITH MY GRIEF”

Grievers are often told, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Here are some answers to that question.

First, respect my unique grieving style. Let me…

…visit the gravesite or not;

…cry or not cry;

…keep the same routines or not;

…join a support group or not.

Secondly, be patient and supportive. I may grieve longer than you think is necessary. Be patient and supportive. I may cry at the most unusual of times. Be patient and supportive. I may need to withdraw for a period of time. Be patient and supportive.

Thirdly, if you have an expertise please share it with me. If you are an attorney, help me with the estate. If you are a clergy person, offer me some spiritual guidance. If you are an insurance agent, help me file claims. If you like kids, offer to take care of mine so I can run some errands.

100 FEET OF ROSES – A LOVING

MEMORIAL

During the last few months of her husband’s life, Andrea Hylen was inspired to plant 100 feet of roses in front of their home. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer and all possibilities of recovery were exhausted.

Mrs. Hylen decided to create this memorial while her husband was still alive. A group of friends came over and, in one day, prepared the area by digging, moving earth and laying mulch. Ms. Hylen planted for many days.

She never told her husband this was a memorial to him simply saying: “I want you to have something beautiful to look at.” As the roses blossomed and bloomed, her husband would come out daily to enjoy nature, view the roses and smell the scent they offered.

The one hundred feet of roses was a truly inspired act on her part because it:

a) celebrated a life while her husband was still alive and,

b) it continues to serve as an ongoing memorial after his death.