REv. Victor M. Parachin, M.D.

JULY, 2011

Dear Friends,

There
is an old legend attributed to the Native American tradition.  In it a grandfather, who knows his life is
ending, asks his grandson to come and visit. 
Before he dies, the grandfather wishes to impart an important life lesson
to his young grandson so he tells him:

"Inside
of my heart there are two wolves fighting fiercely.  One wolf is deceitful, unkind, fearful,
vengeful, envious, and resentful.  The
other wolf is truthful, kind, serene, compassionate, accepting, and generous."  The grandson asks "which wolf will win the
fight?"   Grandfather answers:  "The one I feed."

The
wisdom in that legend is important: 
whatever we feed and nourish within ourselves is what will grow.  This is a vital insight for dealing with
grief and loss.

Some
grievers nourish the negative:

I'll never get over this.

I'll never be the same.

I can't go on.

I can't bear this.

Other
grievers - and they are the ones who adjust and adapt - nourish the positive
and hopeful:

This is a hard challenge but I will find
my way through.

While my life may never be quite the
same, it can still be good.

I can stand up to the pressures and
persevere.

Today,
remind yourself that you have the power to choose "which wolf in your heart
will win."

A 'BOUNCE BACK' ASSIGNMENT

FOR GRIEF RECOVERY

When
a person is dealing with a crisis, psychologists sometimes suggest making a list
of adjectives to help the person get from where they are to where they want to
be.  This can be an effective 'bounce
back' exercise for those who grieve as well. 
A sample list would look like this:

•      Courage

•      Flexible

•      Adaptable

•      Open

•      Optimistic

•      Innovative

•      Disciplined

•      Determined

•      Patient

•      Preserving

•      Confident

Make
your own list of adjectives and work to absorb them into your life.

GRATITUDE IN THE FACE OF

GRIEF

Though
it may feel like quite a stretch to offer gratitude when you are grieving, it
does help with the healing and with the maintaining of a positive attitude.

One
man, whose beloved wife of 27 years, died at a young age, walks every day.  Part of his time is spent going through a
"gratitude list" as he walks.  Perhaps
these samples from his list can guide you in developing your own gratitude
while facing grief.

•          I am grateful for my body which is
strong and healthy.

•          I am grateful for friends who have
been kind as I go through this.

•          I am grateful for the years she and I
had together.

•          I am grateful my employer who has been
supportive of me.

•       I am grateful for the many condolence
cards received from friends far and near.

•          I am grateful for my work because it
not only provides me with an income but occupies my time and mind.

•        I am grateful for a wonderfully

 supportive daughter and son -in-law.

•        I am grateful for work colleague

who
have been so encouraging.

•        I am grateful many beautiful, warm and
meaningful memories of my wife.

•        I am grateful for the capacity to see,

feel,
hear, understand.

SURVIVING WHEN SOMEONE

YOU LOVE TAKES HIS/HER

LIFE

When
there is death to suicide there are many awkward moments connected to the
loss.  Friends who may want to be
supportive find themselves uncomfortable and uncertain about ways of responding.  What should be spoken about openly and
lovingly, is often whispered secretly.

As the grieving person, you
may feel abandoned and even shunned because of the death.  Making all this even more challenging can be
comments from religious leaders who should comfort but instead may condemn.

So the question emerges:  How
does one begin to navigate through and deal with a suicide loss.  In her exceptional book, Sanity Savers, Dr. Dale Vicky Atkins
offers these five suggestions:

    1.   This death is not about you.  If someone is intent on taking his or her
or life, you will not prevent it.  Try to
accept that the death was a result of what was happening within that person and
wasnotabout you.

   2.   This death is not a reflection of you.  Do not accept other people's definition
of you or your family as "less than" because someone you love took his or her
life.

 3.  The person loved you.  Understand that when someone takes his or
her life, it does not mean he or she did not love you.  It may mean that he or she could not bear the
thought of living in such a state of pain and did not want to bring that to
you.

  4.  Honor the memory.  No matter what others say, listen to your
heart and honor the loved one's memory.

 5.  Get support. 
It can be very helpful to go to a suicide survivors' group for
support.  Nobody understands what it is
like unless he or she went through it.

SPIRITUALITY AND GRIEF

"People who successfully
navigate change know they are connected to something bigger than themselves,"
says Ariane de Bonvoisin in her book The
First 30 Days: Your Guide to Any Change.

For any person going through
a change - and that includes the grieving - Ariane de Bonvoisin strongly
recommends connecting to a higher power or higher wisdom.  Here is her advice:

"Many of us have strong
religious beliefs and would say we are very connected to a bigger force.   Some of us have a more general spiritual
outlook, and some of us don't know what to believe anymore.  Whatever it is for you, you can choose to
tune in to this broader energy - what may be called God, Allah, Buddha, Jesus,
Krishna, or Rama, among other names, or just simply nature - every single day
by focusing inward and noticing how things feel.

You can access this energy in
many ways:  you can take a quiet walk,
sit in silence, pray, express your gratitude, read a helpful book, or
meditate.  Just take a few minutes and go
inside.  It is always present.  Once you become attunedto it, you can feel its
stability, guidance and gentle suggestions."

FOUR WAYS GRIEF IS EXPRESSED

Physical:  Loss of appetite, weariness, crying, sleep difficulty,
aches and pains related to the stress of grief.

Emotional: Sadness, depression, anger, frustration, yearning.

Social:  Desire to isolate oneself, feeling abandoned by former
friends, uncertainty about ways of being in social setting.

Spiritual:  Questioning the reason for loss, the purpose of pain,
how to grow as a result, theological issues about God's goodness and care.

These should be regarded as
normal not alarming.  Anyone who
experiences the loss of a loved one will experience variations of these four
grief expressions.