Rev. Victor M. Parachin M.D.

 



MAY, 2011

 

 

 

Dear Friends,

 

This legend circulates about a good jazz piano player.  He was part of a trio who performed regularly at a local bar.  He was good and gained a following who came just to hear him play.

 

One night, however, a patron insisted the jazz pianist also sing.  The piano player gently dismissed the request saying, "I don't sing."  The patron continued insisting he sing so finally the bar owner told the piano player to sing "if you want to get paid this evening."

 

Reluctantly but dutifully, the jazz pianist began to play and sing Sweet Lorraine.  It was a standard jazz song except that no one had ever sung it the way it was sung that evening by the jazz pianist named Nat King Cole.  His warm, relaxed, baritone voice was an instant success.  Had it not been for that bar patron's insistence, Nat King Cole may have remained an unknown jazz pianist playing away in a small bar.  Yet, he went on to become one of the best-known entertainers in the country.

 

His story offers powerful lessons for dealing with loss.

 

First, all of us have latent inner powers which simply need to be tapped and expressed.

 

Secondly, his story promotes the asking of ourselves this question; "When was the last time I did something for the first time?"

 

Thirdly, there are times when we must push ourselves beyond our comfort limits in order to discover our deeper powers.

 

Fourthly, we must not permit ourselves to be limited by our challenge.  Rather we must challenge our limits.

 

Consider this wisdom from actor and

 former Governor of California, Arnold

Schwarzenegger:  "We all have great inner power.  The power is self-faith.

 

There is really an attitude to winning.  You have to see yourself winning before you win.  And you have to be hungry.  You have to want to conquer."

 

HELPING OLDER ADULTS DEAL

WITH GRIEF

 

Grief can be compounded for older adults because they often experience multiple losses over a brief period of time.  Some older adults lack the support systems they had when they were younger.  Here are some basic ways to help a parent or grandparent deal with the losses they face.

 

•    Spend time with the person.  Simply being alone and sometimes housebound accentuates feelings of sadness and can deepen depression.  Make time to visit.  Invite the person out for a morning coffee or afternoon tea.  Your friendship will be a source of healing.

 

•    Ask them how they are feeling.  Without being intrusive, gently ask how they are doing. feeling, adjusting to loss.  A simple question or two opens the door for the person to talk and share his or her feelings.  Then listen quietly allowing them ample time to share memories of the person who has died.

 

•    Be patient.  Older adults deal not only with the loss of partners and long time friends but experience others losses as well: health, physical strength, loss of youth and beauty, social interactions, etc.  They may need more time to process feelings and information.  They take longer to complete some activities.  Your patience will show both your concern and respect for them.

 

•     Encourage healthy habits. Remind them to get enough sleep, eat healthy meals, visit and talk with friends.  Encourage them to exercise regularly at whatever level they are capable of.

 

WHEN IT COMES TO LOSS,

GRIEVERS ARE HIGHLY

RESILIENT

 

That is the conclusion of Columbia University of George Bonanno, a clinical psychologist and researcher on grief.  His studies clearly demonstrate that  people are highly resilient and do bounce back from loss quickly.  Dr. Bonanno's conclusions may surprise some grievers.

 

Often when there is a loss of a loved one to death, it's easy for the bereaved to conclude that life as they know it is over or that their recovery may take a very long time.

 

"However, after interviewing thousands of mourners, I've found that people are incredibly resilient," he says.  "For the vast majority - about 90 percent - the grieving experience begins to dissipate in intensity and frequency a few weeks to a few months after the loss of a loved one - not several months or years."

 

Dr. Bonanno also notes that people heal and recover from grief in different ways.  Some plunge right back into work, others don't.  Some find it helpful to talk, others do not.

 

You may feel pangs of sadness for years, but grief is not a steady state," he says.  "Even in the first few days after a loss, you may experience moments of pleasure and connection, which, rather than signifying denial are crucial to coping.  Positive emotions help us function day to day and connect us to other people at a difficult time."

 

He advises grievers to "give yourself permission to experience a full range of emotions without worrying that you're not grieving correctly or enough.  Let grief run its course, and know that it will - probably sooner than you think."

 

 

SUPPOPRTING A GRIEVING

MOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY

 

 

The loss of a child is one of life's greatest challenges.  A child's death can be especially painful for a mother as Mother's Day approaches in May.  Some ways you, as a friend, can ease the pain include:

 

Acknowledge them on Mother's Day.  Send a mother's day card with a note indicating you are remembering her.  Also, you can make a phone call and talk or even spend time with her on Mother's Day.

 

Say the child's name.  When writing or talking with the mother, use the child's name.  Some people avoid using the child's name erroneously believing it will upset the mother.  Most mothers are upset when the child's name is not cited.

 

Offer to visit the child's gravesite.  You can go alone and let the mother know you visited or you can offer to accompany the mother that day.

 

Light a candle on mother's day.  One man, whose sister-in-law, lost her son calls her a few days before Mother's Day saying:  "I will be lighting a candle in memory of your son on Mother's Day."  This kind act lets a mother know that neither she nor her son is forgotten.

 

Share a memory of the child.  Give the gift of sharing a memory of the child.  "David was such a kind young man."  "Rebecca brought joy to everyone."

 

Plant a living memorial.  One mother was delighted when she learned that her daughter's classmates were planting a tree in her daughter's memory on Mother's Day.  They not only informed the mother but invited her to be present for an informal ceremony as the tree was planted.

 

 

 

WORTH THINKING ABOUT

 

 

Attention is the key to life.  Whatever you really give your attention to, you become.  Whatever you really concentrate upon will come into your life.  We grow into the thing that fills our thoughts as inevitably as the stream merges in the ocean at last.

-          Emmet Fox