Rev Victor M. Parachin M. D. 

SEPTEMBER, 2011

 

Dear Friends,

If you can drive yourself
crazy. . .

. . .you can drive yourself
happy!

Here's how:

•    Spend more time only with people

     who are good to you and good for you.

•   Work less - a lot less.

•   Read more. 
Read in areas which give

    you  
pleasure - fiction, romance, self-help,  

    spirituality, science, history, etc. The
sky's

    the limit here.  Just follow your interests.

 

•   Work in a "right livelihood" job, one whic

     makes you feel good about yourself becaus

     it's of benefit to the community.

•   Help others. 
Do this not out of obligation

    but out of compassion.

•   Lower your standard of living so you don't

    need as much income.

•   Nurture important relationships.

 

•   Meditate. (Yes, you have time for it, No

 

    it's not hard to do).

 

•   Focus on the positive, not the negative.

 

    This is simply a matter of choice.

 

•   Smile more. 
Smile at everyone you meet.

 

    This doesn't take much effort.

 

 

•   Develop your spiritual and emotional side.

 

     This means grow them and mature them.

 

 

•   Ask 'why'? And if you don't like the

 

    answer then make the change.

 

 

•   Live in the present - not the past, not the

 

    future. 
Be here, now. Say to yourself,

 

    'Present moment, wonderful moment!'

 

These are just some ways to
drive yourself happy.  Add your own to
the list.  Then act on them!

 

SEVEN WAYS TO HELP A

 

 

1.   Be
Present.  When there has been a loss
to death don't absent yourself.  Be
present.

 

 

2.  Don't
say much more than an "I'm sorry." 
Be there to listen.  This is a
time to speak less, listen more and encourage the griever to talk.

 

 

3.  Be
personal.  Avoid talking about other people who have had a loss
and who have "come through just fine." 
Rather, be personal.  A good
starting point is to say simply:  "There
are no words that will make this better, but I want you to know that I'm here
and I care about you."

 

 

 

4.  Replace
'but' with 'and'. Using the word

 

'but' almost always negates
what has come before.  For example: "I
know this is hard but you have the strength to get through this."  By using 'and' instead of 'but' the sentence
is more comforting: "I know this is hard and you have the strength to get
through this."

 

 

 

5.  Be patient
with the griever.  Moods can fluctuate from anger to acceptance to
sadness frustration.  The griever may
need to tell and retell the story many times. 
While the repetition may be tedious for you it's therapeutic for the
griever.  Be patient.

 

 

 

6.  Do something
practical.  Bring food in containers which are labeled and can
easily be frozen.  Offer to pick up or
drop people off at the airport.  If you
have an extra vehicle, offer to loan it for out-of-town family.

 

 

 

7.  Follow
up.  Continue to keep in touch in the months after the death and funeral via
phone, email and Facebook.

 

 

 

WORTH THINKING ABOUT:

 

 

 

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find
that I lived just the length of it.  I
want to have lived the width of it as well.- Diane Ackerman

 

SHOULD CHILDREN
BE AT

 

FUNERAL: MYTHS AND FACTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A friend of the family has
just died and I am wondering if my six-year-old granddaughter should attend the
funeral.  She knew this person and saw
him frequently in our home.  Under what
circumstances should a child attend a funeral or wake?"

 

 

 

Whether or not children
should attend a funeral is a dilemma faced by many adults at the time of
death.  They are confused about whether
or not a child should go to a funeral because of various ideas they've
encountered about what's 'safe', 'appropriate' or 'proper' for children.  Here are some myths and facts about children
and funerals.

 

 

 

Myth:  Children don't grieve like adults and therefore don't
need the same closure ritual.

 

 

 

Fact:  Children grieve. 
Like adults, they benefit from closure rituals.  When a beloved grandfather, uncle, aunt died,
children feel the pain.

 

 

 

 

 

Myth: Funerals
are frightening.

 

 

 

Fact:  There's nothing frightening about the celebration of a
life.  Also, any potential "fears" about
a funeral service can be offset by first explaining to a child what he or she
will be seeing.

 

 

 

 

 

Myth: Children will become upset seeing adults in tears.

 

 

 

Fact:  Most children understand a death creates sadness.  For very young children, parents can provide
an advance explanation, "You may see some adults crying but that's only because
they're sad about what happened."

 

 

 

 

 

Myth: Children can be a distraction at a funeral.

 

 

 

Fact:  Most people welcome and appreciate the life and
spontaneity children bring wherever they are present.

 

 

 

 

 

Myth: It's too long a service for children to sit still.

 

 

 

Fact:  Religious services and traditions vary.  Some are longer, some are quite short.  Most facilities have spaces where children
can be taken if they become restless.

 

 

 

 

 

Myth: Children won't know what's going on at a funeral.

 

Fact:  In age appropriate ways, all elements of funerals can
be explained to a child in advance of being there. Some topics to cover
include:

 

 

 

Who will be at the funeral
service?

 

 

 

        •  
What is going to happen?

 

        •  
Where will the service take place?

 

        •  
What will be seen - casket, flowers,

 

              a hearse, etc.

 

        • 
  When will the funeral happen?

 

        •   
Why are we doing this?

 

        •   
What is expected of the child?

 

 

 

 

 

CHILDREN EXHIBIT RESILIENCE

 

AFTER DEATH OF A PARENT

 

 

 

Recent research shows that,
after a normal and expected period of bereavement, most children recover from
their grief after losing a parent.  Dr.
Laurie B. Gray of the University of Pennsylvania studied children 5 to 18 who
suffered the loss of one parent but had a surviving parent.  They were compared to children who had not
lost a parent to death.  All of the
children were studied over a period of two years.  Researchers found that about half the children
experienced major depressive disorder two months after the death of their
parent, and an additional 25% had a milder type of depression.  But those numbers dropped by about half over
the next few months.

 

 

 

The death of a parent is
always traumatic, especially for children and teen agers.  But, Gray said, "Depression in bereaved kids
decreases.  Most bereaved children never
meet criteria for major depression, and those who do usually get better.  Most of the children exhibited resilience."